We all have regrets, some of which are more serious than others. However, the nagging thought that you made the wrong decision or acted inappropriately might hold you back and influence how you behave in the future.
While many of us can utilize regret to learn from our mistakes, others may struggle to find a way forward. So, what are our options?
Dawn Potter, PsyD, a psychologist, explains how to deal with regret.
What is regret?
You may believe that remorse is something you experience. Dr. Potter, on the other hand, feels it’s more of a thought.
“Regret involves an assessment of a situation with the conclusion that one should have done something differently, made a different choice, or taken or not taken a certain action,” Dr. Potter explains. “It’s a thought associated with a strong emotion, such as sadness or guilt.” However, it can also involve wrath, worry, or disgust.”
With regret, you tend to dwell on the past in a negative way while blaming yourself.
And, while everyone feels regret at some point in their lives, the degree of regret varies.
“You can probably relate to the experience of wishing you’d gone to bed earlier last night or wishing you’d taken that opportunity to go see that movie,” says Dr. Potter. However, regrets can linger, keep some individuals up at night, and prevent them from moving forward.
Additionally, persons who harbor regrets may experience mental health issues and daily life disruptions.
According to Dr. Potter, “you might spend a lot of time replaying certain events in your head or having conversations about how the result might have been different if I had done this or that.” You may experience a range of emotions, although you might feel down or distant.
What causes regret?
There are numerous situations that can make you feel remorseful. It could simply be due to a blunder on your part. Or it could stem from a need to feel in control of a situation.
“When something bad happens, it’s more difficult for a person to admit that something terrible happened for no reason.” It’s easy to point the finger at someone. And, in order to feel like we have control over our environment, we go back and blame ourselves,” explains Dr. Potter. “That helps us make sense of the situation, but it may cause other types of pain that are more difficult to bear than simply accepting that something bad happened.”
And regrets can sometimes be caused by cognitive biases, which occur when we evaluate information based on our own views and differences, and the way we interpret that information may or may not be correct.
“Sometimes, you may make a decision with the knowledge and skills that you had at the time,” Dr. Potter explains. “However, when you look back on that time in your life, you think about how you could have acted differently, but you didn’t know any different at the time.”
How can regret impact your life?
Learning from our mistakes is one of the benefits of regret. However, remorse can lead to despair and anxiety. You may also encounter headaches, changes in appetite, or sleep problems.
“You may feel bad about yourself — as if nothing matters because you screwed up,” Dr. Potter explains. “You may assess your life and conclude that you are not a worthwhile person.”
To overcome feelings of pessimism, practice self-compassion and find a way to learn from any experience you regret.
How to deal with regret?
So, how can you get over a regret? Dr. Potter gives the following advice to help you accept responsibility and move forward:
Apologize
Doesn’t this seem like a no-brainer? However, not everyone finds it easy to apologize.
When it comes to apologizing, one of the most crucial lessons you can learn is to accept responsibility rather than making excuses.
“‘I’m sorry, but…’ is not an apology,” Dr. Potter explains. “Just own what you did, why you regret it, and, if it’s relevant, what you’re going to do differently in the future.”
For example, you could remark, “I’m sorry I was late to your birthday party.” I know your birthday is significant to you, so I’ll leave the house half an hour sooner the next time.”
Doesn’t this seem like a no-brainer? However, not everyone finds it easy to apologize.
When it comes to apologizing, one of the most crucial lessons you can learn is to accept responsibility rather than making excuses.
“‘I’m sorry, but…’ is not an apology,” Dr. Potter explains. “Just own what you did, why you regret it, and, if it’s relevant, what you’re going to do differently in the future.”
For example, you could remark, “I’m sorry I was late to your birthday party.” I know your birthday is significant to you, so I’ll leave the house half an hour sooner the next time.”
Practice self-acceptance
“Most of the time, when we do something wrong, we didn’t do it on purpose,” she observes. “And that’s where self-acceptance comes in.”
According to Dr. Potter, the first step toward self-acceptance is to look objectively at the incident or situation you regret and examine how you may have handled it better or differently. The goal is to forgive yourself and let go of the notion that you are a bad person.
“Staying stuck in shame and guilt doesn’t help us be there for the people in our lives or move forward and be productive in our societies,” she says.
If you’re having problems forgiving yourself, she suggests sending a letter to yourself in the form of a conversation with someone else.
“Imagine if someone you care about did the same thing you regret; how would you approach them about it?” “How do you think you’d forgive them?”
Practice cognitive reframing
Cognitive reframing is a tactic employed by cognitive behavioral therapy practitioners.
“Cognitive reframing is the practice of asking yourself, “What am I thinking right now?” “How do I feel?” Dr. Potter elaborates. “We need to separate those two processes and consider what evidence you have that your thoughts are correct.” Is there proof that your beliefs are false?”
The idea is to consider a new perspective on the situation.
“We typically use a ‘all or nothing’ thinking — either it’s right or wrong,” she continues. “However, there are many situations where it is a little more complicated than that.” The goal of cognitive reframing is to identify various cognitive biases that prevent us from appropriately comprehending a situation.”
Take action
Consider how you would behave or act differently if the situation occurred again. This can help you pursue a different course of action in the future.
“You need to learn from your mistake,” Dr. Potter explains. “And if you can identify a way to take action or give back, that can help you move forward.”
For example, if you get enraged at a loved one, enrolling in anger management programs can be a great move in the right way.
Even giving back might help you forgive yourself – consider how donating your time or money to a certain cause can help you put a positive spin on the situation.
“While you can’t go back in time and change the past, doing something else on purpose as a way to give back can be really helpful,” she says. “Doing something meaningful can help you put whatever regrets you have in the past.”
When to seek help
If you’re consumed with remorse to the point where it’s interfering with your everyday life, Dr. Potter suggests consulting with a mental health professional.
“Anytime regrets keep you awake at night, if you’re having nightmares, or if you’re feeling down, depressed, or hopeless on a regular basis, it’s time to seek help,” she says. “Cognitive behavioral therapy can help someone learn how to deal with their regrets, but depending on the person and their situation, there are many different types of therapy that can help.”
Source: health.clevelandclinic.org